This few days don't know y can't sleep better at night, maybe SPM fever....
always having about weird weird dreams. On last sunday, when i wake up i cry non stop....
Don't know y i can't control my tears from falling down...
That whole day i have no mood to do revision...trying to calm down myself.i was tried to hide my feeling from my family, don't want let them know.
This morning i awake by a dream that i not wish to have. I dreamed about my grandma during her funeral ceremony.... After i awake i do not dare to sleep back, i afraid if i sleep back i will dream it again...Today have something stimulus me thinking back of my childhood story...
Actually when i still a child i dislike my parent, they seldom care about me.
Everytime i fall sick only a person who will take care of me of whole night, my grandma.
Lets talk about my father, he is a man that i not familiar with him although he is my father.
I still remember when i still in primary school, i always hoping that my father come back every night. Since he working at other place when i was small....
but from hoping until sometimes i will bet with brother how many percentage my father will come back? although he had promise us....
After many many time he 'lies' to us i have give up....
Until now i was pretended to be a good daughter when everytime he come back, just don't want let him worried... I understand that he also don't want to become like that, but i just can't control my feeling.
Since i was a child i was trained to tell lies. Everytime when got people want to find my father i need to tell them he not lived in my house. when got people on the phone ask me am i his daughter, i need to say NO!!!! he just my mum friends.... long time ago i still wondering should i say like that? But now i had no feeling when i say that sentences "he is just my friend"
Every years my birthday arrived, i always hope that my father can celebrate with me.
But due to my memory non once he celebrate with me even a wish.....
I know i can't let my mum know this thing because if she know it she will very sad....
Lets talk about my mum, she a very hardworking woman like my grandma.
But when i small i not so like her because i think she didnt bother me.
I still remember when i sick is my grandma take care of me not my mother.
But when brother fall sick is she take care of him so sometimes i was jealous my brother....
But now when i grow older and older i understand her situation......
Actually now i try to control my emotion to prevent the tears falling down.
My childhood is very simple life, seldom went out with my family. Actually i had forgotten how many time that i going for a trip with my family because it is too little.
The that i remember is going back to my grandma kampung to meet with my uncles and aunties.
Every year i will went bak to my grandma kampung for two months, that time is my happiest in the whole year....
But my life have change in the year 2003, I still remember that day 24 May. God have take my grandma away from me.
I still remember a month before she left us, she was very sick. In a accident she fall down then she can't walk already from that falling. Then my mum have to take care of her.
Sometimes when she want help her to do thing i was trying to ignore it.
Until a week before she left me, she ws admitted to hospital. My family member need to take turn to take care of her....
That time i was facing diagnostic exam for my UPSR, then i have no time to see her.
I still remember my last paper is Seni, that day my brother went to see her. Because of my exam i can't go, but my father had promise me to fetch go hospital to see her.
I was very happy that night, because i know that she will leave us soon since i saw the funeral shop name card in my living room...
The next day i was wake up very early because can't waiting to see her...
My fahter promise me will come home fetch me about 11 something.
But i received his call at about 10 something i knew that bad thing was happened.
He call me wait at home and my small aunty will come i know that my grandma had left us...
At that moment i can't control the tears falling from my eyes...
The house only left me at that time. Then my aunty come and stay with at that time.
Everytime when i wanted to cry i sure go to toilet cry and don't let my aunty know it....
Finally when i want go to toilet my aunty call me don't go if want to cry just cry......
At that moment i cry as loud as i can, my aunty tell me when my mum come back don't cry because if i cry my mum will continue to be sad....
Then when my grandma 'come back' at the rukun tetangga, i really can't control my tears
But that 2 night i cannot 'sao song' due to my 'big aunty' is comingand my stomach not feeling well. So my family call me go back sleep.....
The last day when my grandma need to kuari, i really can't cry out. At that time i got one thinking ' y i can't cry?
But when the moment my grandma really need to leave me then my tears starting fall...
During that time i really facing a big problem because i can't forgive myself because didn't see my grandma for the last time......
Another way i need to faced my UPSR exam.... That time i was hard to overcome this.....
Until now i still remember that time....
Everytime i fall sick only a person who will take care of me of whole night, my grandma.
Lets talk about my father, he is a man that i not familiar with him although he is my father.
I still remember when i still in primary school, i always hoping that my father come back every night. Since he working at other place when i was small....
but from hoping until sometimes i will bet with brother how many percentage my father will come back? although he had promise us....
After many many time he 'lies' to us i have give up....
Until now i was pretended to be a good daughter when everytime he come back, just don't want let him worried... I understand that he also don't want to become like that, but i just can't control my feeling.
Since i was a child i was trained to tell lies. Everytime when got people want to find my father i need to tell them he not lived in my house. when got people on the phone ask me am i his daughter, i need to say NO!!!! he just my mum friends.... long time ago i still wondering should i say like that? But now i had no feeling when i say that sentences "he is just my friend"
Every years my birthday arrived, i always hope that my father can celebrate with me.
But due to my memory non once he celebrate with me even a wish.....
I know i can't let my mum know this thing because if she know it she will very sad....
Lets talk about my mum, she a very hardworking woman like my grandma.
But when i small i not so like her because i think she didnt bother me.
I still remember when i sick is my grandma take care of me not my mother.
But when brother fall sick is she take care of him so sometimes i was jealous my brother....
But now when i grow older and older i understand her situation......
Actually now i try to control my emotion to prevent the tears falling down.
My childhood is very simple life, seldom went out with my family. Actually i had forgotten how many time that i going for a trip with my family because it is too little.
The that i remember is going back to my grandma kampung to meet with my uncles and aunties.
Every year i will went bak to my grandma kampung for two months, that time is my happiest in the whole year....
But my life have change in the year 2003, I still remember that day 24 May. God have take my grandma away from me.
I still remember a month before she left us, she was very sick. In a accident she fall down then she can't walk already from that falling. Then my mum have to take care of her.
Sometimes when she want help her to do thing i was trying to ignore it.
Until a week before she left me, she ws admitted to hospital. My family member need to take turn to take care of her....
That time i was facing diagnostic exam for my UPSR, then i have no time to see her.
I still remember my last paper is Seni, that day my brother went to see her. Because of my exam i can't go, but my father had promise me to fetch go hospital to see her.
I was very happy that night, because i know that she will leave us soon since i saw the funeral shop name card in my living room...
The next day i was wake up very early because can't waiting to see her...
My fahter promise me will come home fetch me about 11 something.
But i received his call at about 10 something i knew that bad thing was happened.
He call me wait at home and my small aunty will come i know that my grandma had left us...
At that moment i can't control the tears falling from my eyes...
The house only left me at that time. Then my aunty come and stay with at that time.
Everytime when i wanted to cry i sure go to toilet cry and don't let my aunty know it....
Finally when i want go to toilet my aunty call me don't go if want to cry just cry......
At that moment i cry as loud as i can, my aunty tell me when my mum come back don't cry because if i cry my mum will continue to be sad....
Then when my grandma 'come back' at the rukun tetangga, i really can't control my tears
But that 2 night i cannot 'sao song' due to my 'big aunty' is comingand my stomach not feeling well. So my family call me go back sleep.....
The last day when my grandma need to kuari, i really can't cry out. At that time i got one thinking ' y i can't cry?
But when the moment my grandma really need to leave me then my tears starting fall...
During that time i really facing a big problem because i can't forgive myself because didn't see my grandma for the last time......
Another way i need to faced my UPSR exam.... That time i was hard to overcome this.....
Until now i still remember that time....
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